if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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