soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
