That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
