when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
