Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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