Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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