You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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