The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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