I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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