last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize