My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
