The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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