i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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