my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
