She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize