i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i think my cat just said my name.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize