I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
