He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pants are for mortals
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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