Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
