from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
