I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize