Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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