My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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