my sisters under your porch take her home
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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