I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
