Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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