I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fuck appropriateness.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
