There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sober January is a disaster.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
