They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
