You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
