My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
