I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
