the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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