fuck your aforementioned shoe
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
