I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
