Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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