i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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