nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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