I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
