I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
