I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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