Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
