i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
