If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ketchup is God's man juice
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
