We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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