He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
