McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
