I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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