Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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