we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize