Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
