Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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