What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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