he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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