He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
They have beer where we have blood.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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