Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
