dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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