I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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