he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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