They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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