Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
