somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
