My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
