Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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