Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
