somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
