Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize