Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
